As you know, last night was the Yellowcard show. They have quickly become one of my favourite bands, and after seeing them live, I only like them even more. I was also pleasently surprised to find that one of my other favourite bands was also playing at the show, Mae. They were awesome too. I didn't like the opening band, Over It, as much. They were good, but their singer was very gay and very obnoxious and annoying. He reminded me a lot of the annoying guy from She's All That. Brock, the guy that Taylor dumps Zach for. I think the actor is Matthew Lillard or something like that.

I've been to shows before, but not one as intense as this. It was such a rush being that close to so many people who were all there for the same thing and who all felt the same high that I did. Everyone knew all the words and it was like everybody in the audience put as much energy into the show as the band did. It's so much of a release to be screaming the words to your favourite songs at the top of your lungs right there with the band and moving and jumping however you feel like, connecting for that hour and a half with people next to you who you will probably never see again. Jamie and I were right up near the front of the stage. It was so incredible. That is what I want. To play, and be able to stop, and have the audience know the words.

As for Jamie and I, I think the trip and the show was a very good thing for us. We've been having a lot of difficulties with our relationship and I think that this trip really brought us together. We got lost for about an hour and didn't get home until almost 4:30 am, but if I had to go back and do it again, I'd still get lost because I feel like we gained a lot in that time. I really am in love with her, and I am thankful that she is so patient with me and so forgiving and so strong. I love her.

Today was a good day. Mondays generally start out all right for me because I am tip captain at work, which means that every Monday I get spend a four hour shift counting and sorting the tips we made for the week. This may seem boring, but it's a helluva nice change from running around and making frappucinos and dealing with grumpy customers. Plus, I get to listen to my Ipod and wear street clothes. I'm getting much faster at counting tips. I've cut my time down from 5 and half hours to 4 hours.

When I finished tips at around 1:45, I went to the highschool for the last 20 minutes of percussion class. Gregg (the band director) asked if I could come in tomorrow and sub for the percussion class because he has to be at a meeting. I get out of work at 12:45 and class starts at 1:20, so it works out. Only, I don't get to go home and shower. I hate going places smelling like coffee and old milk. Anyway, after percussion class, I went with my buddy Lawrence to Starbuck's. I was going to treat him, but I lucked out and one of my coworkers gave us both drinks on the house. I had a Blackberry Green Tea Frappuccino. He had a Double Chocolate Chip Frappucino. We sat in the big comfy arm chairs and talked about our girlfriends and relationships for about an hour, giving eachother simliar advice. You see, our relationships right now run parallel to eachother. We are going through a lot of the same problems with our girlfriends. I am lucky though, because my girlfriend is less selfish and more patient than his. I wish I was as patient as her.

After Starbuck's, we went back to my house. He helped me clean my living room and kitchen, which were both in dire need of scrubbing, sweeping, mopping, dusting, and vaccuming. We did all of this while listening to Yellowcard on my computer speakers and talking about architecture and drafting. His father is an architect and Lawrence has been studying AutoCad and works for his dad, turning hand written blueprints into AutoCad files. I am going to learn AutoCad and arcitecture. Lawrence is letting me borrow a book an AutoCad is burning the program for me. I'm going to take classes this summer for it at the local community college as well.

Once we finished cleaning my house, we went to his house and went to work cleaning his backyard. When I say cleaning, what I mean is that we spent about four hours moving bricks from one side of the yard to the other and moving trashcans full of rocks and metal, and moving doors and window panels and mirrored closet doors. I haven't worked an honest work like that in a long time. It felt good. We talked a lot while we worked of course, about important things, and stupid things. His mom made us some sort of Mexican soup. It was good. His refridgorator makes crushed ice. I love crushed iced because you can chew on it and it doesn't hurt your teeth. Once we finished the yard, we went to his room and worked on a new song for a little while -- we are in a band together. We eventually ended up calling our friend Fisher and meeting him downtown for dinner at Ruby's. On the way there we talked about girls some more and we talked about sex with girls and what girlfriends told eachother about us in bed. I know that his dick is short and fat because that is what his girlfriend told Jamie and what Jamie told me. I also know that he does not know about foreplay. He asked me if I have ever made Jamie orgasm. I told him that I have and that I do every time we have sex. He has only made Jennifer orgasm once. I told him that it's all about playing with the boobies. Girl's love it when your mouth is on their nipple, almost as much as you love it being there.

When we finally got to Ruby's, I realized that I wasn't that hungry. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and a cherry lemonade. Lawrence ordered shrimp tacos because he couldn't make up his mind and that is what Fisher picked out for him. Lawrence doesn't like shrimp. Fisher had chicken fingers. We all talked about girls and work and camping and snow.

I got home and talked to Jamie on the phone for the first time all day. She was happy to hear my voice, I think. I was happy to hear hers. I am excited to see Yellowcard tomorrow. I am not excited about the two and half hour drive home after the concert and the $3.20 per gallon gas prices.

Today was a good day. Lawrence inists that if the sun comes up, then it will be a good day. If he is right, than tomorrow will be a good day as well, because I know that the sun will come up.

Jamie's dad is using again. She broke down today when we got to my house. I feel awful because I got upset with her for for being ready late. I have a horrible tendency to get upset over stupid things, especially when they relate to time. She fell to the floor as soon as we got in the door and just started to cry. I held her and combed my hand through her hair and tried my best to sound convincing when I told her that things are going to be okay. She has so much going on, and I always forget that. I get so caught up in my own problems.

I made her grab my markers and some paper and eventually I was able to get her up and I drove us to the gas station. I bought her an orange soda and paid the cashier an extra 25 cents so that I could get a fountain cup with ice because orange soda from the fountain soda dispensers is her absolute favourite, and most places around here don't have orange soda in their dispensers. The gas station didn't either, which is why I bought the soda and put it in a fountain cup. I had planned on taking her to The River -- which is basically just a upper close shopping strip with a movie theatre and nice restraunts lining a moat -- however, she was not quite up for that, so I suggested we just go to the Starbuck's there. She said that it was a bad idea because Jackie worked there. Jackie is my best friends ex-girlfriend. There is a lot of bad blood between her and all of his friends, including me and my girlfriend, but more so my girlfriend. Anyway, I ended up taking her to the Canyon Plaza Starbuck's. It worked out better, because it was dead at that Starbuck's so we could talk without anyone eavesdropping.

I made her divide a piece of paper up into three sections and pick three colored markers. I did the same. In one section we wrote down 5 personal goals that we want to achieve at some point in our life time. In another section we wrote down 10 small things that we have to look forward to in the near future. In the last section we wrote down 5 bad things in our life write now. My logic to her was that for every bad thing there was three good things to think about. Then we came up with one thing to help make the bad things each less bad. I think it helped a little bit. My list went like this:

Personal Goals:
1) Graduate from Berklee
2) Become an Imagineer
3) Marry the girl of my dreams and have a family
4) Travel
5) Be recognized for my music

Things To Look Forward To:
1) Yellowcard show on Tuesday
2) My birthday (on Friday. I'll be 20).
3) Opening night of "Anything Goes"
4) DCI Finals week trip this summer
5) Boston trip this summer
6) Camping trip with Shawn this summer
7) Marching season
8) My pit instructor from drum corps coming down to work with the drumline I teach
9) Seeing Jamie smile
10) Getting promoted

Bad things
1) My personal shortcomings -- Make small life adjustments to be happier
2) Knowing that I hurt the people I love -- Same as 1.
3) My relationship problems -- If I am happier, my relationships will be better. Small steps.
4) Not enjoying my job -- Put my foot down about being promoted. Transfer. Get a new job.€
5) Lacking inspiration -- Again, small life adjustments to be happier. Eating better, excercising, more going out and less staying in.

After we came back to my house, I cooked us dinner: steak, mixed vegatables, and rice with cheese sauce and broccoli bits. We watched a little bit of TV and then she gave me my shot. She was in better spirits. I feel guilty because part of the night, I was afraid that she was going to break up with me. She has so much going on, and I know that it is selfish of me to add my problems to the mix. I am trying to be less of a stress by not getting so upset over stupid things. Tonight I slipped when she was late getting ready. I wish I hadn't. I love her. I know she loves me too. I know things will be okay, with her, with me, and with us. Sometimes it's hard to get by just knowing that later it will be okay though. I told her that she has to hold onto her goals and use the little things to help her get through the days. I need to listen to my own advice.

Yesterday was the first truly calm day that I have had in a long time. I woke up around 8:30, at which point I showered and went to pick up my girlfriend - we'll call her Jamie. I had planned to cook breakfast for the two of us and then get laid before work (we both had to be at work at 1); however, we ended up eating cereal and before I could get any action, I fell asleep curled up against her with my head on her chest. I had only intended on resting my eyes during a commercial break in Saturday morning cartoons. When I woke up, it was almost noon. I had to take her to home to get ready for work. We both work for Starbucks; different stores, of course.

After dropping her off, I stopped through McDonald's, breaking my promise to stay away from fast food with a cheeseburger, a small fries, and a small coke. It wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be. I didn't even finish the cheeseburger. I went home, jacked off, and went to work. Work was slow. It was supposed to be my day off, I detest working weekends, and refuse to do so 99% of the time. I made the mistake of going into work on Friday night to get a drink and my boss asked if I could come in and help out for a few hours on Saturday afternoon. Seeing as that I would like a promotion, I said yes with a smile on my face, even though my thoughts at the time consisted of, "I hate you. I hate Starbucks. And I better get out on time tomorrow." Anyway, it turned out we weren't as busy as Luke (my boss) had expected. I ended up washing dishes, making back ups, and organizing things for four hours. I got out on time.

I have had a very difficult time spending evenings alone lately. It especially bothers me when my girlfriend is out with other people and I am left to sit at home on a weekend night by myself. I know this is probably an unhealthy and most definetely innappropriate way for me to feel, but I can't seem to help it most of the time. I've taken to going to the grocery store when I feel this way, which was a good thing, until I started buying things I didn't really need just for the sake of passing the time. Now I'm broke. She spent the evening with her cousin Joey and his friends. I spent the evening studying music composition, cleaning the bathroom, and going grocery shopping. It was not the most eventful evening, but I was busy, and so it was a good night.

Though I hate working on the weekends, I also hate spending them in front of the TV. Normally, my girlfriend reserves the weekends for me, however, she chose to pick up a shift at work today. I managed to keep myself busy, going downtown and studying lyric writing and drinking Jamba Juice. I like going downtown weekend mornings to drink Jamba Juice and eat a bagel in front of the bagel shop. It makes me remember how beautiful life can be and that waking up in the morning is always worth, even when it doesn't feel like it at all and even if you are stuck in Hell-on-Earth, California.

It's funny, I'm somewhat of a slob. I tend to make a mess and if I walk away from it, I won't clean it up. This is ironic, because I am also a neat freak. I hate being in a messy enviroment. I prefer to clean as I go. My problem is that I get distracted easily and once I walk away from a mess, it's hell to get me to clean it up. I'm miserable when my living space is messy, yet it takes a very specific mood for me to clean it up once it gets messy. The problem with my cleaning mood, is that I'm rarely in it and when I am, it passes quickly. Last night I got the bathroom. Today I managed to at least do all my laundry and iron my clothes. Whether or not the place actually gets clean is up in the air.

At 4:30 Jamie decided to call me and tell me that she was going to a family BBQ and that I was not invited. Her parents do not particularly care for me. I hate it when people break plans with me. It makes me angry. That is another one of my big problems. I will probably pick her up around 7:00. Even if we don't want to see eachother, on Sundays we have no choice. I am transgendered. I am a male, however, I was not born with a dick, or any of those other physical traits that center from being born physically male. After lots of paperwork and lots of explaining and losing some friends and part of my sanity, I managed to legally change my name to James, and also managed to get a prescription from my doctor to begin hormone therapy, which in short means that I have to inject testosterone into my system once a week so that I may appear on the outside as I feel on the inside. I am lucky in that I "pass" 100%. If you were to see me on the street, you would never know that I do not have a penis and that once upon a time, people did not call me James.

I think I might attempt cleaning now.

I am not particularly inclined to pay a lot of money so that I can sit and talk to someone about problems and thoughts that they could not care less about, and even if I was so inclined, working for Starbucks does not financially accomodate such a desire. Instead, I am opting to use this journal as a canvas for my thoughts, fears, desires, and of course for my pointless ramblings that no one else really cares to hear about.

My name is not James, but it is the alias that I will use in this journal for the sake of keeping my thoughts anonymous, but still public. I never understood the point of a journal that absolutely nobody can read. Why record your thoughts if you don't want anyone to see them? I want to feel like someone is listening to me without caring what they think, and let's face it, we all care what the people close to us think; however, I highly doubt that anyone who will read this journal is someone close to me, at least on a face-to-face level.

My girlfriend is the one who suggested that I start to journal. Actually, she suggested first that I see a therapist, but I insisted that I do not have that kind of money to throw away, she then offered a journal up as a more cost efficiant alternative. Do you know how awful it feels to have your girlfriend tell you that she thinks you are depressed and need a shrink? It really is not a particularly good feelig. What makes it worse is that I am inclined to agree with her. Things upset me quite frequently that shouldn't, and rather than getting only slightly upset, I work myself up into full on mad or sad mode. I suppose this probably stems from years of forcing myself into a place where I believed that I had to be dependent on myself alone for emotional support. When she broke down the walls, she really broke them down, and now the dam floods much too easily. Before she came along, I had long since pushed everyone to a distance and stopped letting people in the gate. Somehow she managed to find a back door. Sometimes that scares me.

I have a lot more to say, but it is nearly 2:00 in the morning and unlike most people my age, I am not keen on being awake at this hour. I am almost 20 years old. It is spring break. And I am sitting here on a Friday night alone. How pathetic is that?